ACT I
The scene is fairly large living room, with a beautiful brown couch set in the middle. Not far from the couch (to the left of it — note: directions should be taken from the point of the couch, not the spectators), a tall strong-looking wooden cabinet stands. On the right side of the couch, the spectators can see a black door.
The doorknob is now turned from the outside; a ravishing, elegant lady comes into the scene. Her long brown hair touches her sleeveless summer dress. She looks a little tired.
SABRINA:
Mama, mama, I am home! [Shouting to the empty living room]
She turns her eyes downward at the couch, then throws herself onto it.
SABRINA:
Mamaaaaa.
From the other side of the stage (left side of the couch), a fat woman with a rather unpleasant look enters the living room. She wears a blouse and skirt the color of the sky.
MOTHER:
My darling, my beautiful little darling! How was the search this afternoon, divine being? Tell me, by any chance, did you meet an intelligent handsome young man you can soon marry? [Sits on the couch next to SABRINA]
SABRINA:
I did.
MOTHER:
[Holding her breath] Did I hear you correctly?
SABRINA:
Oh don’t smile just yet! He was indeed intelligent, he got his PhD in Gardening. He earns £500,000 a year. Not bad, mama. Not bad at all.
MOTHER:
But? [A short pause] Is he your brother?
SABRINA:
My damned brother! He is LA18.
MOTHER:
Oh my poor child! [Grabbing SABRINA's hands, hugs her softly] How did you discover? Did you check his armpit? A positive LA?
SABRINA:
A million percent positive! Yes, I did check his left armpit, and I saw a birthmark there. Don’t ask me how I did that. [A pause, then SABRINA rises from the couch, walks in front of it. MOTHER still sits on the couch]. I’m tired mama! Half of the population of men in this town are my brothers. And the rest are either too stupid, or you think they are too stupid because they only have PhD in the History of Modern Massage. My future is bleak, I am going to be a spinster for the rest of my life!
MOTHER:
Oh God forbid! Please don’t say such thing, my angel. You still have a couple of months, don’t you? You will find someone, your soulmate!
SABRINA:
I do still have time. It’s two months, three weeks, and five days, before I become a 25 year-old single woman! What a disaster mama, what a disaster! I will never ever feel the joy you’ve been telling me since I was five: to be mistaken for a sister of my daughters.
MOTHER:
[Rises and hugs SABRINA again] Oh my lovely child, you will experience it, I promise you. [A pause. MOTHER then walks to the front of the couch] It is true, a woman must get married at her 25 at the latest, so she can give birth when she is 26. That way, she will still have her shape when her daughters turn 17. And in your case my child [Grabs SABRINA's hands again], oh people will indeed mistake you for a sister of your daughters. Oh the jubilation! [Let go of SABRINA's hands] That is the greatest achievement a woman can ever accomplish. I wasn’t very successful regarding that matter myself, because you are too beautiful. People always thought I was just your babysitter.
SABRINA:
Oh mama! [Hugs MOTHER] Mama, I will make you proud. [She pauses. Then walks away from her mother. She speaks a bit anxiously now] After all, we do still have some candidates, don’t we?
MOTHER:
What candidates? [Her tone indicates a deep concern, it almost sounds like a disapproval]
SABRINA:
Well, Rostam? [SABRINA's rolling her eyes, then looks at MOTHER]
MOTHER:
How many times did I tell you that Rostam is not going to be my son-in-law?
SABRINA:
But mama, why not? He is a good-looking man, and has a good education and a good job. Please mama, before I turn 25.
MOTHER:
Yes, he has a good job, and just finished his second PhD, but he is a vegetarian! And vegetarians are not smart, they never were. Seriously, they don’t eat meat, chicken, fish, anything at all? They fail to understand the magnificent taste of red meat; not to mention their proteins and vitamins! And if one fails to understand that, then one should never claim oneself smart. And mama only wants a smart — a very very smart son-in-law.
SABRINA:
Well, Chris then? He earns £750,000 a year, and is an acclaimed physicist. He received an award recently for correcting the Copernican principle, that the Sun is not the center of the Universe, but ourselves are, especially when we standing in front of our big mirrors in the bathroom.
MOTHER:
Oh Sabrina my child, Chris is indeed wealthy and well-known, but he doesn’t have a PhD. Intellectual capacity can only be proven by education degrees. Trust me, a brilliant Doctor in Science and Religion, like yourself, does not want to marry a mere master’s degree holder.
SABRINA:
Ezra then? You cannot say no to Ezra! He meets your criteria, ma?
MOTHER:
No he doesn’t. He does not believe in God, the simplest concept the human race ever invented. If he cannot believe in an elementary concept as God, how can he believe in a more complex notion such as marriage?
SABRINA:
Oh ma, you are right.
MOTHER:
Listen, don’t you worry my little girl, mama will find your soulmate! Mama will go, find, and bring him to you today. I promise you, my angel.
SABRINA hugs MOTHER. MOTHER then reaches the door and disappears.
CURTAIN
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